Lessons and Blessings

Yesterday was a good day. I was able to speak to a counselor about my grieving and quite frankly, did not even know what to say; I don't even know what my grieving is. When asked how I feel I had to answer honestly that  I don't know. I am sad. I miss being able to shoot a quick text to JJ, or call him to see how he is. I am foggy, undriven, lethargic, and just think about JJ all day. I go places and see people that remind me of him. I see items in stores and think "JJ would like that". I am not angry. I have never been one to think "why me?" 

Everything is a lesson, an experience and blessings come from even the most life shaking events. In fact, lessons and blessings are really the only things that come from experiences if we take time to think about it. We have had some stinking hard times at various intervals in our lives together and as we dealt with the problems, we have always reaped blessings after we hurdle, conquer and learn from the lesson handed us. We have never been given anything that we haven't been able to deal with; sometimes we didn't necessarily want to and we didn't welcome "another blessing". As the years go by, the "blessings" only seem to be bigger and more expensive! And embarrassing as it is to admit, some lessons have been re-learned. I know that we will be able to get through the biggest, baddest heartache and struggle we have been handed this time and it will all happen while on our knees.

Who would ever imagine we could ever get on our knees and thank our Heavenly Father for the blessings sent us through our hardest mortal times? Sometimes do you wonder if you really signed on for some of the lessons and challenges? I can just picture in my mind all of us gathering in the pre-existence, excited for the chance to come to earth and prove ourselves to our Heavenly Father. We were probably given a list, a bag, a backpack or whatever that contained the challenges we would face in our mortal sojourn. Some would be given the challenges of physical infirmities or living conditions, some mental challenges, others very personal temptations (who knew our weaknesses better than our other brother, Lucifer?). Then I imagine us assessing our trials and with great hubris telling our Father not to worry, there was no way these things or anything else would prevent us from returning home; after all, we love Him so much and want to please him, why would we mess things up anyway?????  We'll be right back, no problem-o. Not one of us could have imagined the burdens some would carry, the temptations that are everywhere, the hurt feelings, the physical impairments, the feelings of hopelessness or even the absence of  having knowledge of our Heavenly Father or an atonement by our loving brother, Jesus Christ.  Receiving this knowledge is the greatest blessing we can ever have; all else follows.

So, back to the counselor. OK, I have a small idea of how I feel. I feel pain, so much so that I would have shaken the earth when my son died just as God did when His son died on the cross. How could the world continue daily routines when my world just imploded?  Don't they know?  I feel sadness at never hearing JJ's laugh again or seeing his gorgeous smile. I will miss watching him torture, tease and love his dog, Rocky, and the nieces and nephews he loves so much. I can't ever buy him something that I think he could use or would like. But - there is no more worry about his mortal weaknesses and problems now, I don't worry about how he is doing, if he is OK, if he has enough money or food to eat or needs a warm coat. I know where he is and that he is absolutely in safe harbor.

In fact, I KNOW he is doing and feeling wonderful!

I am told this stage of our eternal journey is but the blink of an eye. I believe this to be true and will continue to be thankful for the lessons and blessings we receive.

JJ, we love you forever and ever!

Mom