JJ's Tree

I think that I shall never see

A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest

Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day

And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear

A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;

Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,

But only God can make a tree.

~Joyce Kilmer, "Trees," 1914

Today at 11:00 am, JJ's tree was planted at our neighborhood park, Boots Cox Park. Three other neighborhood boys have their trees already, it is not an honor like earning an Eagle rank but rather a sad and unique club our families find ourselves in. These three boys, Clint Ellett, Steve Saxton and Jason Burrows, along with four other boys in the neighborhood have all passed away. If they were to all be together at this time, they would be in the same age group within about four years. We wonder why our neighborhood has been tested - or chosen - this way and only one answer comes to my mind: Heavenly Father knows that this neighborhood loves and cares for one another and our families. We support and serve each other and that is what keeps us strong and bonded forever. Many of us are in our second home in this little area because as we were ready to build new homes, we couldn't imagine being anywhere else or with any other people.

Jennie, Paul and me

I also want to mention how much I appreciate our city for their vision in growing their own trees on a tree farm and working to plant at least 500 new trees each year. Some replace the very old that have lived their lives and shaded generations of kids through 110 degree summers. The canopy over St. George downtown is magnificent, helps to soften, cool and make our city truly feel like the desert oasis that it is. Here's to the City of St. George Parks Department!

Doug Wulfenstein, St. George City Forester; Larry Shane, Parks Manager, Ryan, employee

I look forward to the day my little grand and great grandchildren are shaded when they come to play in the park and picnic under JJ's tree.

IT WILL BE WRITTEN IN STONE - REALLY

It was a gorgeous day in Dixie. The car said 80, the sun is shining and the trees and flowers are blooming. We live here for the weather, the scenery and the people. We just wish OUR people lived here with us but understand we all end up where we do for work and school.

Things are going well with the grandkids here. The 3 at the elementary school like to ride their bikes since it is so close and they don't have to cross any busy streets to get there. Allie catches a bus at 7:10 just a few houses away and I take Aspen until we can find her a ride to and from the middle school, but I don't mind. It is like I am back in my element. I was quite lost when JJ didn't need me to take him or pick him up anymore because it had been my routine with kids for so many years. I think life fills in the blanks when you don't know what to put in them.

Our neighborhood has some trees at our neighborhood park to remember the boys we have lost. I am not sure how many have been planted, but I called the City to find out about doing it for JJ. They are going to do it Monday morning at 11:00 and called me today to let me know so that we could be there to watch. It means a lot to me to have this memorial tree for JJ at our park and love that my friends at the City want to help. I do miss that bunch of truly awesome people.

We have finished the design of JJ's headstone and I have sent it to the family for approval. We are excited to see it go in in about 6 weeks. It is a reddish stone, like the hills around here, and will have writing on both sides. We think JJ would like it. He better, because once we put in the order and they begin work, there won't be changes because as they say, it'll be "WRITTEN IN STONE!".

Lessons and Blessings

Yesterday was a good day. I was able to speak to a counselor about my grieving and quite frankly, did not even know what to say; I don't even know what my grieving is. When asked how I feel I had to answer honestly that  I don't know. I am sad. I miss being able to shoot a quick text to JJ, or call him to see how he is. I am foggy, undriven, lethargic, and just think about JJ all day. I go places and see people that remind me of him. I see items in stores and think "JJ would like that". I am not angry. I have never been one to think "why me?" 

Everything is a lesson, an experience and blessings come from even the most life shaking events. In fact, lessons and blessings are really the only things that come from experiences if we take time to think about it. We have had some stinking hard times at various intervals in our lives together and as we dealt with the problems, we have always reaped blessings after we hurdle, conquer and learn from the lesson handed us. We have never been given anything that we haven't been able to deal with; sometimes we didn't necessarily want to and we didn't welcome "another blessing". As the years go by, the "blessings" only seem to be bigger and more expensive! And embarrassing as it is to admit, some lessons have been re-learned. I know that we will be able to get through the biggest, baddest heartache and struggle we have been handed this time and it will all happen while on our knees.

Who would ever imagine we could ever get on our knees and thank our Heavenly Father for the blessings sent us through our hardest mortal times? Sometimes do you wonder if you really signed on for some of the lessons and challenges? I can just picture in my mind all of us gathering in the pre-existence, excited for the chance to come to earth and prove ourselves to our Heavenly Father. We were probably given a list, a bag, a backpack or whatever that contained the challenges we would face in our mortal sojourn. Some would be given the challenges of physical infirmities or living conditions, some mental challenges, others very personal temptations (who knew our weaknesses better than our other brother, Lucifer?). Then I imagine us assessing our trials and with great hubris telling our Father not to worry, there was no way these things or anything else would prevent us from returning home; after all, we love Him so much and want to please him, why would we mess things up anyway?????  We'll be right back, no problem-o. Not one of us could have imagined the burdens some would carry, the temptations that are everywhere, the hurt feelings, the physical impairments, the feelings of hopelessness or even the absence of  having knowledge of our Heavenly Father or an atonement by our loving brother, Jesus Christ.  Receiving this knowledge is the greatest blessing we can ever have; all else follows.

So, back to the counselor. OK, I have a small idea of how I feel. I feel pain, so much so that I would have shaken the earth when my son died just as God did when His son died on the cross. How could the world continue daily routines when my world just imploded?  Don't they know?  I feel sadness at never hearing JJ's laugh again or seeing his gorgeous smile. I will miss watching him torture, tease and love his dog, Rocky, and the nieces and nephews he loves so much. I can't ever buy him something that I think he could use or would like. But - there is no more worry about his mortal weaknesses and problems now, I don't worry about how he is doing, if he is OK, if he has enough money or food to eat or needs a warm coat. I know where he is and that he is absolutely in safe harbor.

In fact, I KNOW he is doing and feeling wonderful!

I am told this stage of our eternal journey is but the blink of an eye. I believe this to be true and will continue to be thankful for the lessons and blessings we receive.

JJ, we love you forever and ever!

Mom

Quote to live by: No Empty Chairs

"No Empty Chairs"



President Ezra Taft Benson said "God intended the family to be eternal. With all my soul, I testify to the truth of that declaration. May he bless us to strengthen our homes and the lives of each family member so that in due time we can report to our Heavenly Father in His celestial home that we are all there--father, mother, sister, brother, all who hold each other dear. Each chair is filled. We are all back home."

As an LDS family (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - or Mormons) http://www.lds.org/,  we believe in eternal life and in eternal families. Attaining this goal is the most important thing we have to live for; a goal that makes us strive to be better people and live better lives.

We lost our youngest son JJ at age 24 on February 9, 2010. He was a neat kid, made us laugh, made us cry and worry, made our eternal family begin to understand how important that eternal designation is. We have been hit up the side of the head with the reality of an empty chair at our family table. We know we will see and be with him again. We know he is happy. We know he is with us. We know he is progressing. That knowlege doesn't remove the hurt we still feel at losing him. We still hurt daily that he is not here to make us laugh or for us to hear his laugh. Paul and I find ourselves wanting to text him. I think of JJ all day. I see things and think "JJ would like that". I guess that we always will and that is OK. I wish I had a recording of his voicemail message, but thought about it too late. We miss his beautiful and genuine smile. I had to laugh when I got his travel case and it contained his deodorant, a toothbrush and 4 tubes of toothpaste. That's so JJ.

I am going through all those pictures that I really meant to organize, scan and categorize (I REFUSE to do the scrapbook thing, mainly because I would waste days on a single page and am not creative). JJ was a very quiet kid but apparently LOVED the camera. We have more pictures and videos of him than the other 5 kids. Sorry guys, but the electronics were better and more affordable for the last child. Posting them and sending a new one daily to my kids gives me comfort and good memories and will remind us of that goal we are all living for - to be together as a family forever.

Until we meet again, JJ, we love you.

22 Days

Today is 22 days since our youngest son, Jordan "JJ" Allen, died of liver failure caused by the effects of a Tylenol PM overdose. I will post more, today is too painful to do it. I prefer to start this blog experience with pictures of his life. He was such a darling little boy, a fun little brother who made monkey noises and had mastered the art of the "arm fart". He was good looking, all muscle, athletic and good at any sport he tried. He was a Utah All State golfer, on a team that took State 2 years in a row. He played on the golf team and the soccer team while at Dixie High School. We miss him terribly and the tears still flow. I can't go through his clothes yet or the pictures of his life; that seems too final. He was living away from home in Salt Lake City and his sister Jennie and brother Derek took the duty of retrieving his belongings from the home where he lived as a renter with his friend, Eric Smith. They cried, but brought his clothes home in a suitcase. It still sits in my bedroom, unopened.

One of our daughters who is divorced and raising 5 great kids on her own and going back to college, has agreed to move down from SLC and live with us for a few months. Until she finishes the details at the house she was in and arrives here, grandpa Allen and I are in charge and enjoying the kids. After being empty nesters, and loving it, life has changed for us in more ways than we could have ever imagined. I am happy to be busy and have these sweet kids here. We got them registered for school, but spring break is next week. sheesh. The older 2 girls can't really start until the middle of March. Timing is everything!

Life is good, we're taking it day by day. The pain hasn't dulled, my brain still doesn't work and I'm leaking tears. I am grateful for a wonderful son and memories that we will cherish always.

Until we meet again, JJ, I love you.

Mom